Broad Ambition

Have you ever felt like there are so many things you would like to do, and that you could not possibly decide which to pursue among them? I’ve read that this is a common feeling among those of the INFJ personality type, and it’s been weighing on me quite a bit, so rather than simply nodding my head and saying “Me too!” when I read a new post or article about it, I’ve decided to write one myself.

Now, I’ve known since I was a junior in high school that I want to teach French. I’ve been absolutely certain of this, but the problem is that so much of the time, it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to do more. I’ve been blessed with a decent amount of talent in a variety of activities and creative pursuits, and I just can’t help but feel like I’m wasting those talents if I’m not pursuing them further than just a hobby.

Just so I can make it completely clear (to myself and to you, reader) how many things I feel I should be pursuing, here’s a list:

• Writing. || I’ve taken one poetry class and I can churn out a pretty solid essay, but I know I’m not using my talent for writing to its full potential. (I know. I’m writing now, but for some reason, I can’t get myself to feel that this counts. I keep saying I’ll start a real blog later, once I know what I want to write about. Are you seeing this horrific cycle of thinking I’m caught in?)

• Hand-lettering. || I’m still only mediocre at this in comparison to others, but I still feel like I should be turning this into a business or something. (I’m clearly not content to just have hobbies!)

• Graphic art/design. || I taught myself Photoshop in middle school and high school, and my mom has asked me over and over why I don’t just study graphic design and pursue that as a career, and while I have a pretty good answer to that, in my mind I still get caught up in thinking that I should be doing more with my talent. (I am proud to report that I designed someone’s birthday invites this year, but still, my silly brain doesn’t think this is enough!)

• Photography. || Once upon a time I dreamed of turning photography into a side business, but since then I’ve had one paid job and a few interested emails about shoots that never came to fruition. I haven’t taken photos in a long time, and thankfully I’ve been able to let go of photography moreso than other pursuits. It was turning it into a job that caused me to think of it as a chore, so you’d think that I’d see that and be able to apply it to these other pursuits listed above, but. Yeah. Did I mention my brain is silly?

• Singing. || Reader, I’m not even a spectacular singer. I can carry a tune, match pitch, and sing harmonies, but I’m not the next big thing. I can’t even play an instrument to support my voice, but even so, I’ve found myself thinking I should really be singing more. I can’t even explain how great it feels to be asked to sing at church, but this is only every so often. I feel like this one is something I can absolutely fix myself, and I’m hoping to explore choral singing when I move up to school this fall. Keep me accountable, reader!

• Foreign languages. || And finally, the pursuit I’m actually going to turn into a profession! I don’t worry as much about this one, because despite every phase I’ve gone through (I should be a therapist, I should be an anthropologist, I should be a filmmaker!), I’ve always come back to this. I’ve never not wanted to teach French, so I must say, this does give me comfort.

It’s quite the list. I will say that lately, I’ve realized that above all, I know that I want to teach. Obviously, I’m studying to teach French, so that’s likely what I’ll end up doing, but I’ve decided that I would be content teaching other things, as well. Maybe one day I’ll teach some of these other skills, and maybe it will be in a less professional capacity. I’m not picky, and I’m not expecting to be qualified enough to teach all of these at the college level or anything. But perhaps one day I’ll work at a private high school and will be qualified enough to teach a creative elective class.* Maybe one day I’ll sub an English class and be able to actually teach something instead of sitting back while the students do busy work. All of these possibilities excite me, and while I may never get to pursue all of these hobbies further than what they are now — hobbies — I am content to practice them, to hone my craft, and to keep them in my back pocket for the times when they are needed.

*I specified a private high school because in my experience with private schools, teachers have often branched out beyond their primary area of expertise to teach electives. I have no experience with the public school system as of now, so I can’t comment on whether this would be possible there.